There Are Things You Don't Know
by Justsome1
Summary: Sam's a complicated guy- maybe if he tells Andy about his past, she might be able to understand his reluctance..
1. Chapter 1

**Title****:** There Are Things You Don't Know  
**Summary****:** Sam's a complicated guy- maybe if he tells Andy about his past, she might be able to understand his reluctance  
**Author's note:** All the speculation on whether Sam was in foster care inspired me to write this.. Probably going to be a few chapters. I've never done this before, but I'll try my best!  
At the beginning of this Andy is still with Luke. I was going to make it starting from season three, but the writers do such a good job I don't want to mess with it. I have a lot of ideas for this already and a lot written. I literally wrote this and uploaded it within like not even 2 hours. But Let me know if this sucks and ill totally scrap it.

**Prologue**

It was nice seeing Jessica again, after all of these years. He didn't realize how much he missed everyone back in Sudbury till he ran into her the other day.

She became even more like her mother as she got older- always with the analyzing. She eyed him quizzically and circled her finger around the rim of her coffee mug, "So, you and this McNally," she brought the cup to her lips and let it linger for a moment, "what's going on there?" she took a sip without taking her eyes off him.

He knew he was being sized up, he tried to keep his face neutral "Nothing, we're partners."

She gave him an unimpressed look biting the inside of her cheek and rolling her eyes, "You can't lie to me Sammy. It's written all over your face- you love her."

He cleared his throat and smirked, "I care about all my **friends**."

She looked at him for a long moment before a smile broke out on her face. She shook her head lightly _same old Sammy. _"She feels the same way you know."

He inhaled deeply and looked at the ceiling before shifting around in his seat. "You know I didn't invite you here to psychoanalyze me."

She smiled wide and shrugged her shoulders "tough" she deadpanned tilting her chin toward him, "old habits..."

He took and long drink of his coffee and narrowed his eyes, "It's really annoying when you and mom do this. If I wanted you to know what I was thinking- I would say it out loud."

She kicked him lightly under the table, "oh stop whining…"

He knew she wasn't going to give up, and she always told him that not talking says a lot more. So he gave her something- just to shut her up, "she asked me out."

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise, "So you guys **are** dating. Why'd you lie to me?"

"I said no."

She nearly did a spit take, "what?"

He got up to bring his cup to the sink, mostly so she wouldn't see how much it hurt him to make that decision. "I told her that she and I could not date."

"Why the hell would you do that?"

He leaned over the sink, hands on either side and shut his eyes tightly. He had been asking himself that same question. "I dunno…" He turned to face her, leaning against the counter, "She only wants me because things didn't work out with Callaghan"

She chuckled a little bit and put her face in her hands, "oh my god..."

He furrowed his brow and crossed his arms defensively. He didn't understand how she could just laugh at him. "What?"

"Sam, I know you find it hard to let people in." She shrugged, "I get it. I'm the same way- for an entirely different reason- but even so, I'm the same."

"C'mon Jess, don't..."

"No you need to hear this. We've been hurt, so we keep people at arms-length. But this girl- she broke through and she **loves** you and you love her, I know you do. And now you're scared. You're scared that she'll figure out who you really are and not want to be with you, because you don't believe someone like her **should** love you."

He was staring a hole into the floor, with a defeated voice he pleaded with her, "please… don't." He didn't keep his past a secret for the sole reason that he was ashamed, but also because it was too hard to think about. It was less painful to just ignore it. McNally called it- he compartmentalizes… a lot.

She walked over to the coffee machine and re-filled her mug, "You're wrong, you're an amazing person Sam. All that stuff that you think makes you not worthy- actually makes you worth more."

She had her back to him and he rolled his eyes, "And don't roll your eyes at me, it's true" She turned and leaned on the counter next to him smirking at his shocked expression.

"Everything you went through made you who you are; inspired you to become a police officer- and a damn good one at that. So you think if you keep her as a friend you won't lose her but, she doesn't want to be your friend.

Now I don't know this girl very well, but she must be pretty amazing if she means so much to you. So give it a try; you deserve some happiness."

Playfully elbowing him she added, "You may be a grouchy old smart ass but when you let people in they see what an amazing guy you really are- courageous, loyal, protective, funny, kind- I'm proud of you."

He tilted his head side to side contemplating what she just said "That was a good speech… made me want to yak.." they both laughed

"Yeah, me too"

He showed his dimples and looked her in the eye, "...but it was nice."

He elbowed her "I've missed this."

"What? My wonderful advice!"

He snorted "Don't push it."

Looking far too proud of herself she told him, "truths the truth."

He blew out a puff of air and playfully said, "Shut up"

"So, you haven't told her you were in foster care?"

He shook his head.

"Yeah I kinda got that, when you danced around everything I said the other night."

His phone rang on the counter beside her; she picked it up and looked at the screen

**Andy McNally **

**(Mobile) calling...**

"Oh look who it is! Perfect time to tell her!" she went to hand him the phone but he shook his head.

"She's pissed at me."

"Ok, well if you're not going to answer it..."

He scrambled for the phone but she held her arm out to stop him.

"Andy! Hey, it's Jessica!"

"Sam, uh, Sam went for a run but, he told me that if you called…"

**AN: You're probably wondering who this Jessica character is... and no I didn't forget that his sister's name is Sarah... **


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Thank you for the reviews, I'm not exactly sure how this website works, so I don't know if there's a way to answer them or what?..  
Andy and Jessica do meet before that phone conversation, but in this chapter they Andy has no idea who she is… I have a lot written already so I'm glad you guys like it. And yes, when I watched 212 I also assumed Sam was talking about him-self when he told Andy about JD visiting his dad in prison. His dad will appear in this story, whether it be in a memory or whatever, I won't say.

* * *

Chapter 1

As much as he did not care about the idiotic pranks Epstein was pulling around the station, he listened attentively to Andy as she told him the story. Basically because- well it was Andy- and as pathetic as it might be he could listen to her talk all day every day and be a happy guy.

He was used to being alone is the thing- growing up he learned to fend for himself and then, when he didn't have to anymore he found himself looking for a way to be alone. Because the noise and the people annoyed him; it was overwhelming.

He was so quiet, a lot of the time they wouldn't notice he was gone- not for a while at least.

The point is- he used to love silence- welcomed it even, but ever since she tackled her way into his life he couldn't stand it. Now the silence only reminded him of what he didn't have, of what he desparetely wished he did. So as much as he told himself he could not care any less about Epstein's recent escapades he immersed himself in the conversation.

"That's amature."

"It's Dov..." She told him, like it was completely obvious "Still pissed me off though."

He looked at his watch, pretending to be uninterested, "yeah, you gunna get him back?"

"Already did." She beamed proudly.

The way she said it, just made her seem so… young? "What'd you do?"

"Changed all the contacts in his phone to Harry potter characters, then I scheduled an alarm to go off every five minutes for the next month."

_Harry Potter characters? Seriously… this girl_. He took a drink of his coffee to hide the smile on his face, "That's lame... He can just cancel them."

She put up her index finger and swung her head over to him "that's why I changed the default language on his phone to Portuguese."

He tilted his head to the side and pursed his lips, "hmmm better... Not great though."

"Right, and you coulda' came up with something better."

"I'll have you know, I was known for my pranks back in my day." His eyebrows went up in the middle, how they do when he's being cocky.

"Pffft, 'back in your day'" she mumbled quickly "what like 50 years ago..."

"What was that?" He asked with warning in his voice

She looked at him innocently, "hmmm, nothing."

"You calling me old McNally?"

"Hey, you said it not me." she put her hands up in defense.

He glared at her for a moment before turning his attention back to the road, "alright, I see how it is."

"How is it, exactly?" she asked him skeptically.

He cleared his throat, "no, you know what its fiiiine…" he checked his mirror and changed lanes "But I'll remember this next time you beg me to come over and watch that stupid girly show about the liars on my TV."

"Oh come on don't be so sensitive... doesn't matter how old you are... I'm pretty sure you've noticed- everyone thinks you're super-hot." Her eyes widen when she realized what she said but she refused to look at him. She shrunk back in her seat a bit.

"Super-hot eh?" he pocked his tongue in his check trying not to smile, or laugh, or whatever. "I might have noticed..." he smirked at her and popped a piece of gum into his mouth, "Just didn't think **you** did."

She rolled her eyes, "ass..."

He silently smiled as she pouted in her seat.

"I swear to God, you bait me on purpose… And you **love** that show by the way"

Completely serious he told her, "Oh, I really don't." He honestly hated the show, he found it stupid, cliché and completely unrealistic, but he couldn't say no to her. He did enjoy himself when she came to watch it though; he found it kind of adorable how excited she would get- talking about the characters as if they were real.

She genuinely thought he liked it, it didn't make sense that he would let her come over every single week to watch it if he didn't. "Don't worry your secrets safe with me."

Surprisingly enough, he'd rather her think he liked a show whose fan-base was predominately teenage girls than have her know that he just liked spending time with her- real time, not at work. "That's why I keep you around, McNally."

"Here I was thinking it was my good looks and witty humor."

He snorted.

* * *

After bringing a guy to booking Sam told Andy to wait at her desk for him while he went to the washroom. Luke saw her sitting there when he looked up from the files in his office.

"Hey cutie" Andy inwardly cringed at the sickingly sweet pet name he had become accustomed to call her.

"Hey! How's the case going?" She gave him a wide smile, a fake one- but a nice one. she had gotten better at lying lately. Sam had been giving advice about UC and it really paid off in her relationship with Luke. He told her to keep it as close to the truth as possible- keep it real. So when she smiled at Luke, she was thinking about Sam.

"I don't know. I think I need to take a break, everything's starting to blend. You wana go for lunch?"

She winced "I'd love to... But uh, I can't."

"What?"

"Well I already told Sam, I'd go with him. Figured you'd be busy with the case."

He smiled and cheerfully gave her a suggestion, only to her it sounded like a command, "So tell him I'm taking a break, and your gunna come with me, Sammy won't mind."

"Luke, that's rude."

"I'm your boyfriend Andy, he'll understand."

"I'm not one of those girls that ditches her friends when she gets a boyfriend. I'd be pissed if I had plans with Traci and she ditched me for Jerry."

He inhaled deeply and looked away. He raised his voice a little, "yah, well Swarek's not Traci."

Just once she wished he'd come out and say it; she could agree with him and wouldn't have to put on this act anymore "What's your point?"

"You know what, whatever Andy... I'll see you later ok?"

"Yep" she half smiled, grateful that he didn't take the bait. As much as she told herself she wanted to be done with him, she knew she needed him. Selfish as it was, he was her safety net; keeping swarek right where he should be- in her life. Because she was sure, if she ever did cross that line with Sam, it most-likely wouldn't end well. They were both a mess- completely and totally screwed up. And having him in her life, even if it was just as a friend, was not something she was willing to gamble.

* * *

"You mind if uh, we stop at the rink for like five minutes first? I got hockey tonight and need to get my skates sharpened." He asked her as they drove away from the station.

"Why don't you get them done when you go tonight?"

"Because I don't like how they do 'em at that rink." He told her annoyed. Truthfully he was just asking to be polite, he was already en route to the arena.

"That's ridiculous... It's the same machine."

"And you know this because of your vaaaast hockey experience..." he put his chin to his chest and raised his eyebrows at her.

"Maybe." She challenged.

He didn't bite though, "If you played hockey I'd know about it."

She scoffed, "You don't know eeeverything about me."

"Right… So can we go or not?"

"Not that you care, considering were almost there... But I don't mind"

"Good."

".. fighting with Callaghan again." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Why would you think that?"

He gave her a pointed look.

She brushed imaginary lint from her pant leg, "He's mad because he wanted to go for lunch with me."

"So why didn't you go?" He was honestly curious; he would have assumed she would cancel to spend time with Luke considering how often he was busy.

"He expects me to sit around and look pretty waiting for whatever time he has free... I don't think so… I already made plans with you. I'm not gunna break them just because he decided he's tired of his case."

Although he completely agreed with everything she just said he was not expecting it, "Well he **is** your boyfriend."

"Yah and you and I are friends."

He was well aware of that fact- painfully aware, "we sure are." There was a sarcastic edge to his voice.

She furrowed her brow. She found increasingly frustrating that they could never just be honest with each other. They never lied to one another and could confide in each other, but when it came to their feelings you'd need a decoder ring to figure it out what the hell was going on.

He parked the car right at the door even though there were a bunch of empty spots, "you comin' in?"

"Yeah of course. Hockey rinks- there like my second home."

He chuckled "you're an idiot."

* * *

They were in line paying when they heard screams.

When they got to the lobby they saw a slim man with short sandy blond hair waving a gun around. He ushered everyone into one of the rinks without noticing Sam and Andy were police officers. He locked the doors and had everyone line up against them. They noticed he was distracted, mumbling things to himself, so Andy took it upon her-self to send a text; she couldn't call it in because it would have been too loud. Sam shut off both of their radio's in case they were to go off and startle the gunman.

Neither of them understood what his possible motives could be for holding bunch of kids hostage in a hockey rink. He was getting angrier by the second and they knew they had to act before he did something. Andy looked at Sam and he gave her a small nod.

They approached him, guns drawn.

"Put the gun down!"

He turned around and pointed the gun at McNally.

When Sam got a good look at his face he recognized him immediately, it was as if he hadn't aged at all- forever seventeen. "McNally I know him… he's schizophrenic" he whispered to her. The entire situation was beginning to make a bit more sense.

"Nick! Nick hey, it's me, it's Sammy!" he called trying to get him to move his attention away from Andy, "Look at me buddy."

His empty blue eyes shot toward Sam, but a second later his head snapped to the wall. He was shaking his head back and forth shifting his feet around. His empty hand would come up to his mouth he'd bite his thumb nail then scratch the back of his neck over and over again. He started mumbling again in a desperate voice, "no, no, I can't, I don't want to do it,"

"Nick! Nick stop!" The gunman turned his attention to Sam. He tapped his chest, "Look at me- just at me."

The blond opened and closed his mouth a couple time before whispering, "He wants me to shoot you"

"Who's he? Who wants you to shoot me?"

His brow furrowed, and he began yelling, he pointed to gun at the wall "it's Harry! You know it is Sammy! He's right there!"

"Nick there's nobody there, he's not real... Harry's in jail." He was begging, pleading with him to understand.

He was getting increasingly hysterical, tears dripped freely from his eyes and he screamed at Swarek waving the gun at the wall, "Sammy he's right there! Stop lying to me! I can see him!"

He put up one of his hands, keeping the other one firmly on his gun "Hey its okay, just relax, okay? When's the last time you took your meds?"

"I always take them! Today I did today..." he scratched his head, "Or did I? Yeah today!" he opened and closed his mouth a few times again. "Maybe it was yesterday?" he shook his head "No I took them! You're trying to trick me! Why you want to do that to me Sammy?" He was pointing the gun at Sam.

"Buddy, I'm not. Okay I just want to protect these kids. They never did anything and they're scared look at them. They're scared Nick; I know you don't want to scare them… Right?" His heart was racing and he began to sweat.

Nick violently shook his head back and forth and bit his thumb nail, "no, no I don't want to scare anyone."

"Right... You want to protect them, don't you?"

"I...I...I don't know?" He stuttered out.

"You do, I know you do. Remember that time you and Ty were fighting? And Dianne had to keep you guys apart? She was yelling at Jess to call the police, remember?"

He sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand, "Ya, ya Ty was going to kill us."

"Right, Jess was so scared she couldn't move... You saw a terrified little girl and you knew you had to protect her. You went and called the police for her; you knew you'd get in trouble, but you didn't care. You just wanted her to feel safe."

"W-well-well, she was shaking." He put his free hand out palm up.

"I know, she was a kid and she was afraid, well look at these kids, there scared to. Don't you want to protect them?" He knew it was risky bringing the attention back to the kids in the rink, but he also knew it was his only shot. Jess was his weak spot, and if something could riel him in it'd be her; he really didn't want to have to shoot him.

He started to lower his gun, but his head snapped back to the wall, where Sam assumed 'harry' was standing. He pointed the gun back at Sam.

"Nick, c'mon put the gun down. You're scarring everyone... Harry's not there, just put the gun down, come with me and I'll make sure you don't have to see him ever again, k?"

"You can't, he'll always be here! He's everywhere I go! Talking at me! Telling me to do things! Everywhere I look!" he tried desperately to hold his arm steady as he pointed it at Sam, crying fiercely. "I have to do this! So he'll go away!" It was obvious he didn't want to hurt anyone, you could see the guilt in his eyes and hear the pain in his voice, but he was desperate.

Sam put his gun back in his holster and took a quick glance at Andy from the corner of his eye. If it had been under any other circumstance he'd find her expression comical. "You need to take your medication Nick... You need to put the gun down and come with me to the hospital, ok?"

Swarek slowly began approaching him.

"Sam what are you doing?" McNally hissed at him, gun still drawn at Nick. She didn't get how badly he did not want to shoot him. He put his hand up to stop her, lowering it a little he moved his index finger in a small circle through the air signalling that he was going to make the man turn around.

Andy watched with a terrified expression as she quietly muttered to herself, "come on, come on, come on." She bit her lip, hoping like hell Sam new what he was doing.

"Hey don't move! Stay back..." Nick slowly backed up a step for each of Sam's.

"It's ok; I'm not going to hurt you ok? I just want to show you something. You're not gunna hurt me either right?"

He shook his head but kept the gun pointed at him. He now had his back to everyone but Sam.

When he got to the spot where he assumed Harry was he stopped. "Where is he nick? Where's Harry?"

He motioned to it with his gun. Sam started waving his arm around in that general area "right here?"

Nick was confused it appeared that Sam's arm was going straight through Harry. Andy took this opportunity to knock the gun out of his hand. Sam tackled him and cuffed him. He was sobbing on the ground.

Sam kneeled beside him after he got the hand cuffs on, "Its ok buddy, its gunna be ok. I'm gunna call Dianne, you're going to go to the hospital and get your meds, Harry won't bother you anymore, ok, everything is going to be fine."

* * *

Things were quiet in the cruiser on the way back to the barn; both deep in thought.

Seeing Nick again brought back a lot of old feelings he had happily filled away. Old memories that he thought he'd forgotten.

"That was a close one, eh?" Andy offered when she remembered he was in the vehicle with her.

He swallowed dryly, "Yeah good work in there"

"Me? You diffused the entire thing. That was pretty incredible."

"We're just lucky I knew him."

"How did you... Know him?" It was something she had been wondering about since things were calm enough to actually think. He seemed to know him pretty well. He knew the man the kid was seeing- well enough to know he was in jail. Maybe he locked him up? He could be a suspect's family, but that didn't explain how he knew that story about him.

"I, uh, I've known him since we were kids."

She knew I'd be hard to get out of him, Sam rarely shared personal information, so she pushed some more, "and Harry?"

"Nicks step dad. He abused him pretty bad. When he's off his meds he's usually the one he sees."

"That's horrible."

"Yeah, someone usually keeps an eye on him though. I have no idea why he's not back in Sudbury."

"You're from Sudbury?" She always assumed he was from Toronto.

He smirked at that, remembering her ridiculous babbling about the city's tourist attraction when they went to pick up Swan, "the big nickel"

She chuckled, "shut up."

She waited to see if he'd give anything else up- but nothing, so she pried some more, "How'd you know he's schizophrenic?"

He shrugged his eyebrows, "He stunk."

"What?" she asked him completely baffled.

"The kid would never shower; apparently he would see Harry whenever he looked in the mirror. He finally told his foster mom, and she took down every mirror in their house until they could get him the right medication. That way he could clean and not be scared."

"Nice lady."

"Yeah... Everybody looked like crap for about a month" he smiled big

She snorted "Nice."

"So we're you guys friends or…?"

"You'd assume that because?" He knew she was fishing, he was trying to deflect. He did it to her all the time and she wouldn't notice. He'd just flip the conversation over on her and embarrass her. It usually worked.

"I don't know, you knew about his dad and you knew that story about him protecting a little girl?"

"You're right we **must** be friends!"

She rolled her eyes; he could never make it easy on her, "I'm just wondering, I mean I don't know much about you, you never talk about yourself."

"I'm just a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma..." Sarcasm was his go to tool when trying to avoid things- she knew it to, but figured she'd let it slide. He'd tell her if he wanted her to know.

"Jerk."

"All part of the fun, McNally."

She waved her finger at him "yah well mark my words, I'm gunna unwrap the mystery eventually."

He smiled and gave her a suggestive look, "oh, really?"

"**Not** what I meant!"

"Whatever you say McNally."

Sam reached into the pocket in his vest and took out his phone. Andy assumed it must have been on vibrate since she didn't hear it.

"Swarek."

"Yeah… yes I did"

"that's correct"

Andy watched as his face dropped. She could have sworn she saw tears at the brim of his eyes.

Sam drew in a ragged breath

"…yeah, uh, yeah I'm here."

He was biting the inside of his cheek.

Her heart broke as she saw a single tear trail down his face.

* * *

**AN:** I know it's ridiculous that I just ended this with another un-finished phone conversation but, there was nowhere else I could have cut it off, I promise.

Also, it's important to the story that Nick is schizophrenic- you will understand in later chapters.

I know this isnt that interesting either, but I needed something to fill until i can get rid of Luke. It'll get better!


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thank you so much for the reviews! And sorry this took so long!**

* * *

_Andy watched as his face dropped. She could have sworn she saw tears at the brim of his eyes._

_Sam drew in a ragged breath_

_"...yeah, uh, yeah I'm here."_

_He was biting the inside of his cheek._

_Her heart broke as she saw a single tear trail down his face._

"Sam? Sam, are you ok? What's going on?" She asked worriedly.

He hung up the phone feeling as if all of the air got sucked out of his lungs. He couldn't breathe. He started to get dizzy and knew he had to pull the car over before he lost control and caused an accident. He looked around for any place he could pull into, unwilling to pull the car over on the side of the road and break down in front of Andy. That's when he saw his escape; he had never been as happy to see a Tim Horton's in his life. Happy? He couldn't believe he had that thought. He was anything but happy. The smallest thought of gratification just made his guilt ten times worse, hitting him like a tonne of bricks. He had to get out of there- fast. Hastily putting the car in park he fumbled for the door handle.

"Do you want something?" he asked in an uncharacteristically high pitched voice as he was stepping out. She barely had time to answer before he took off.

"No, Sam, what's going on? Who was on the pho-" she let her sentence hang there. He was already half way across the parking lot so there was no point in finishing what she was saying.

Sam walked quickly into the coffee shop and toppled forward. He had planned to get to the bathroom before anything happened but he couldn't hold it in anymore. It didn't matter any way- as long as Andy couldn't see him. He put his hands on his knees and breathed deeply a couple times in an attempt to calm down. He felt sick. He paid no attention to the exiguous chatter of the coffee shop, as he was overwhelmed by the sound of his own heart beating in his ears. When he straightened up, he noticed that he had drawn a crowd. A wave of nausea suddenly hit him and he emptied his stomach into the garbage can.

"Are you alright officer?"

He muttered "stomach flu," and rushed to the bathroom.

Sam braced his hands on either side of the sink and began to splash water on his face. He felt hot. Hot and dizzy and sick. After a moment he looked in the mirror and he couldn't stand the sight of himself. A sob escaped his lips. He was suddenly angry, so, so angry. He hadn't felt rage like it since he was a kid. He started smashing the stall over and over again. A hand on his shoulder drew him back to reality.

Andy must have followed him in there, "Sam, Sam hey… Stop."

She grabbed him and pulled him in for a hug. He wondered how long she was in there- how much of this pathetic display she had seen.

He stood there unmoving, his arms at his sides as she hugged him, neither giving in nor pushing her away. She continued to hug him, pulling him impossibly close, trying to get him to respond as she rubbed his back soothingly.

After a few minutes he gave into the comfort of her embrace, holding her tight.

Once his breathing calmed down a bit she pulled back a little and grabbed his face in her hands, "Sam, what happened?"

Tears were threating to spill, he looked at the ceiling and took a deep breath. He shook his head hoping she'd get the message.

"Hey, it's ok. We don't have to talk about it now. Ok?"

She slid her hands down his arms to his hands looking down when she noticed they were wet, "Sam you're bleeding!"

He looked at them surprised to find that he had cut them up pretty bad. She put them under the tap. The intense sting shooting through him was a welcomed distraction from the emotional pain he had been facing moments before.

She grabbed some paper towel and wrapped it around his hands, "C'mon well clean them up with the kit in the car."

He nodded.

"You ok?" She asked before unlocking the door and opening it.

He nodded again

She grabbed his hand and led him to the car. When she went to the driver's seat he didn't protest; knowing full well he was in no condition to drive.

She kept sneaking glances at him as she fixed up his hands. She didn't want to push him though, she knew he'd completely shut down if she did.

She decided she'd give him a little time and try later, "shifts over now so I can drop you off at your house if you want? You won't have to answer any unwanted questions" She looked pointedly at his hands.

"my truck,"

"I'll bring the car back to the station then drive your truck over to your place," she offered with a sad smile.

He nodded his head lightly in agreement.

The ride to his house was made in silence. He sat looking out the window, his mind completely blank. It was something he used to do when he was younger. It started after Sarah's attack. He would sit with her and try to start up a conversation- try to make her laugh- anything. He just wanted some sort of response, but he would never get much. So he would just sit there, in silence thinking about nothing, just to be there for her. He wouldn't dare to think, because when he did, he got angry.

Numbness, that's what he felt- numbness and emptiness. When they got to his house he hesitated before getting out of the vehicle, "the keys are in my locker. You know the combination."

"Be back in a bit." She told him softly.

He opened the door but didn't get out, "ya... Uh, Andy?"

"Yeah?"

Without looking her way he told her, "thanks."

She frowned and watched him punch the code into the side of the garage. She didn't leave until the large door came all the way back down.

* * *

Andy was lost in thought when she got back to the station. Moving mechanically; she finished the necessary paperwork, got changed and packed everything up. She almost trampled Traci over on her way out, her mind completely occupied with trying to figure out what could be going on with Sam. She apologized stating she just had a bad day and would talk to her later, before rushing to the men's locker room effectively cutting off any retort Traci would make. She knew she was just delaying the inevitable, Traci would eventually corner her and figure out what was up, but that didn't matter, at that moment she just needed to get back to Sam to be there for him.

She walked straight into the men's locker room earning a few yelps and questioning looks. Oliver walked up to her chuckling, "Hey McNally, no sneaking a peak today! Sam's not in here."

Completely ignoring his teasing she simply said, "I know" before opening up his locker. She grabbed his truck keys off the shelf, shoved his cloths in his duffle bag and shut the door ignoring Oliver's bulging eyes.

"soooo you're robbing him?"

"I dropped him off at home, gotta bring him his truck." She explained, her voice lacking any sort of emotion.

"Is everything ok?" He asked, his voice laced with concern, losing the irritatingly cheering tone he had moments before.

"yep." she said as she made her way to the door

"oooooooookay?"

She didn't say anything back, just walked out leaving a stunned Oliver on the other side of the swinging door.

"Right.. Everythings fiiiiiinnneeee." He spat sarcastically to nobody in particular.

* * *

They sat at his kitchen table neither uttering a word for a solid 10 minutes. He wasn't ready to tell her what happened, but he knew he had to give her something; she'd bombard him with questioned if he didn't. Besides she deserved to know something, but he didn't want to tell her about Dianne. He wasn't ready for her to know about that part of his life; if she did, she wouldn't look at him the same. There was more to it than just embarrassment though, a darker truth that he wasn't willing to share and was certain it'd be better for the both of them if he kept it to himself. When she stayed silent, he finally dared to look at her, knowing it was probably what she was waiting for.

Her eyes were watery and her voice sounded tired, "so are you gunna tell me what happened today?"

He figured he'd tell her what happened, just the black and white part, no explanations- just the facts. He would give her the least amount of information possible and she could draw her own conclusion. If he gave too much she'd figure it out. This way, she'd most likely assume that its guilt panging at him. After a year of working as partners, spending hours on end, day after day together, seeing glimpses of the worst moment in people's lives, she knew him pretty good. Going through all that together, they had a sort of connection, they could figure stuff out about the other without having to verbalize anything. She knew he took responsibility when things went wrong in a case, so he decided to lead her in that direction.

He scratched his head wondering where to start, "that kid today that we talked down..."

"Nick." She finished for him.

He nodded. "I sent his old foster mother to go check on him. He had calmed down at the hospital, but once they let her in to see him he flipped out. By the time the people could make it in there to sedate him it was too late."

"What do you mean?" She responded slowly unsure if she wanted to know the answer.

He couldn't say it out loud or he would break down again. He had just barely gotten through the short explanation he gave her. She saw the muscle in his jaw clench as he looked away.

"He killed her?" Her voice faltered on the last word.

He nodded again looking down

"…and you're blaming yourself." It wasn't a question.

He swallowed.

"Sam this isn't your fault. If it wasn't for you, who's to say how many people he could have killed today."

He shook his head, "She was a good person; made a difference in a lot of lives."

"I'm sure she was, but there's nothing you could have done. That kid was sick." She kept looking at him with those damn unblinking eyes. Anger boiled up again and he wanted to strangle someone. Problem was- Andy was the only one around.

"Things could'a went differently at the rink... Protocol was to take him out." His voice was harsher than he intended.

"You can't be upset with yourself over trying to do whatever you could to avoid taking a life." She reached her hand across the table resting it on top of his.

"A life was still lost." He sounded defeated.

"Don't. Don't do that, ok. Stop feeling guilty over something that's not your fault"

He knew she didn't understand, she couldn't understand; the women changed his life. And Sarah's life. A lot of people's lives. She was incredible.

He spoke to her not 7 hours ago. She tried to catch up; she asked him how he was doing, what he was up to, but he just brushed her off. One blast from the past was enough for one day. Plus, he felt guilty over losing touch, couldn't stand to stay on the phone with her, he told her where Nick was and avoided her attempts to get together while she was in Toronto.

And now she was dead.

He fucking ignored her because he was being selfish, because he didn't want to think about everything again, he didn't want to go back there, to that time in his life.

He felt guilty all right; It was his fault he never talked to her anymore, it was his fault he rushed her off on the phone, it was his fault Nick was at that hospital and it was his fault she went to see him. He was the one who called her, she had no responsibility for Nick anymore, but she went because that's the kind of person she was.

It was his fault she was dead. The greatest person he ever had the pleasure of knowing was dead, and it was all. His. fault.

He pulled his hand away from hers raising his voice, "It's completely my fault Andy! I was supposed to take him out and I didn't! It was my fault Dianne went to the hospital, I called her! She didn't have to be there!"

He was getting frustrated and he was the only one to blame for it. How could he argue with someone who didn't fully know what was going on?

He was lashing out, but she knew she wasn't the real target. So she kept her voice low, "you were trying to help out a kid you grew up with. There's nothing wrong with that."

He raised his eyebrows in challenge, like he couldn't believe what she was saying, "there is when it gets somebody killed."

The situation was completely backwards, usually he was the one reassuring her. She found her-self repeating the words of encouragement he once gave her, "you did everything right today... If this is anybody's fault it's the morons at the hospital. What the hell were they thinking putting someone in a room with and emotionally disturbed kid who held 30 people hostage earlier that day!"

"A lot of stupid going around today," he muttered in disgust.

That comment got her curious. He was trying to sell this self-pity act a little too much, "...This isn't just about you feeling guilty.. Something else is going on here. What is it?"

His scrubbed his hands over his face as some feeble attempt to rub off the annoyance and anger coursing through him before he said something he'd regret, "...I'm pretty tired, I think I'm gunna head to bed. You need a ride home?" he asked getting up from his chair, deciding to cut it off before she figured it out.

She stood in front of him, "Sam... Don't shut me out." The genuine concern in her voice warmed his heart, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't put up this act any longer. He wasn't even doing a good job of it as it was.

"it's been a long day." He told her in another attempt to end the conversation.

They looked at each other for a long time before she spoke, "I can stay, if you want..."

After a beat, "Don't think Callaghan would like that."

"It doesn't matter," she told him sincerely.

Ugh, if only he wasn't such a nice guy. He wished he didn't love her so much that he'd continuously fix her relationship with another man, just to see her happy. He looked away knowing it was undoubtedly written all over his face, "yes it does. Go home Andy. Get some sleep."

When he dared to look back she looked broken and it killed him; the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her.

"Here take my truck, I'll see you later" he handed her the keys.

"k..."

He watched from the window as she pulled away unsure if he made the right decision. God, he was being such a girl. He wondered when he became so emotional; he assumed it happened sometime after he started working with Andy. He never really cared about anything before. Sure he had feelings- everybody does, but he wasn't really affected how most people are. He cared about his friends and his makeshift family, but he was never that guy; the one who was in touch with his feelings. He couldn't even remember the last time he cried, but each day he spent with Andy a little bit of the hard shell he built around himself broke off- each day he became increasingly vulnerable.

He thought about maybe going to hockey to distract himself but wasn't sure if he'd make it out of there without seriously injuring someone. He had anger issues when he was younger- well anger issues would be putting it lightly. He was a complete mess; getting into fights, throwing tantrums and breaking things. Someone would look at him the wrong way and he'd flip. Dianne thought it would be a good idea if he got into sports. It was a good way to take his anger out on something in a controlled environment and it would be a good chance to meet people. He wanted to go in boxing, but she wasn't sure that it would be wise to have him learn how to more efficiently beat people up. So they started with football, then hockey, then basically any sport that was in season. It was his escape, he'd get there and suddenly the world was gone, nothing else mattered, it was just him and the game. He didn't have time to worry about what was going on at home or how he was doing in school, he had to focus. He figured maybe it was another motive of hers for having him sign up- a temporary escape from his life.

Remembering that his skates were in the cruiser he went in search of some old ones. While he was in the garage he came across and old photo album Dianne had made for him before he came to Toronto. She was constantly taking pictures; at first it annoyed him, but he later found himself somewhat grateful. It was a good way to keep memories- only problem was, with every good memory came a bad one. So he never looked through it. He didn't know why he wanted to go through it **now**- to punish himself maybe?

He sat down in the living room with his feet propped up on the coffee table abandoning the photo album on the chair across the room. He bailed on the whole idea once he got inside. He didn't turn the television on, he just sat there thinking. He thought about when he first met Dianne; how in the beginning he was completely convinced she was too nice to be real. There was no way someone actually cared about people as much as she made herself out to look like she did. He figured it was an act and she was like all the rest. He was skeptical of the entire program, but he jumped at the chance to live with Sarah again. He would watch silently, observing how the other kids interacted with her as opposed to everyone else. There seemed to be a respect that wasn't present when speaking with anyone else, an almost love.

By his second week living there, he still refused to believe the woman was simply selfless. He was determined to figure out what dark secret she was hiding, which is why he found himself crouched down behind a piano having the first conversation with another kid since arriving, after being caught eavesdropping on Dianne.

_Jess' large dark blue eyes looked at him like he was the dumbest person on the planet. She must have been 6 or 7 at the time; it was before she became the jaded sarcastic girl she was today. She was never naïve; quite the opposite actually. He noticed she was wise way beyond her years the first time they ever spoke. But when she was young she had a much more optimistic outlook on life, which is understandable._

"_How come you don't talk?" She looked him in the eyes with confidence. _

_He frowned at her, "Nothin to say." _

"_What d'ya mean?"_

"_Just what I said." _

"_There's always something to say"_

_He rolled his eyes, "how's that?"_

"_Well, I don't know… you can talk about yourself" She offered. _

"_And why would I do that?" _

"_So people will know who you are." She smiled at him._

"_Why should I want people to know who I am?" he narrowed his eyes, wondering what she was up to. Only __**he**__ would be suspicious of a six year old._

"_I dunno. So you don't go around the rest of your life with nobody knowing who you are." _

"_Sarah knows stuff about me"_

"_Just her?"_

"_Why would I tell everyone everything about me? Why would I want to do that?" he said getting defensive. _

"_Not what I meant."_

"_So what did you mean?" He was being a little harsh, but he didn't care- 'kids gotta learn'_

"_I mean, it's okay to tell people something about yourself." _

"_Sure, but I'm not about to give up something they can use against me."_

"_People are out to get you?" She looked at him like he was some crazy conspiracy theorist. Looking back, it's obvious she was familiar with paranoid people._

"_There's no other reason they'd want to know about me." He frowned. _

"_That's not a very good way to think." She told him cheekily._

_He decided he was done with the conversation and tried to shut her up, unconcerned with how what he was saying might scare her, "Sorry kid, life's not all sunshine and roses." _

"_But there are __**some**__ sunshine and roses. You're just being negative." He was not expecting that. _

_He furrowed his brow "No. I'm being realistic, life sucks, people are selfish and cruel and it just sucks." _

"_Maybe you just haven't had your happy ending yet." She said softly, seemingly unaffected by his words. _

"_Kid, this isn't a fairy tale." _

"_I'm not saying that. And stop calling me kid. You're a kid. I'm saying there needs to be bad things." _

"_What?" _

"_Well, if there was no bad stuff how would you know what's good? Wouldn't everything just be the same?" She smirked and stood up, "Get out from behind that piano- it's creepy," she told him without looking back. _

A buzzing in the other room grabbed his attention bringing him back from the memory, he didn't bother to get up, instead his eyes landed on the album. He sat there starring at it, willing it with his mind to disappear.

He chewed on his lip for a moment before getting up to retrieve the object.

He sat back on the couch with a loud sigh and tried to get comfortable. He rubbed his face with his hands having in internal debate on whether he would dare to look inside, before finally opening it to a random page.

It was a picture of his 11th birthday; the first time he ever had a party.  
He was at the head of a long home-made dining room table with a huge cake in front of him. They didn't sell tables big enough for all of the kids to sit at so Archie made it him-self; they were big on eating as a 'family'. (Archie built and fixed up a lot of stuff, his kids used to mutter things in Italian about him being cheap. Sam learned the hard way that whatever they were saying was considered offensive if someone with a different ethnicity said it.) Jessica was to his left with a huge smile on her face, her dark hair flowing down her back. On his right was Sarah who looked eerily just like him, he hadn't noticed the resemblance was that close before. Mitchel was behind him giving him bunny ears. He had the same dark blue eyes as his little sister and his dark hair was shaggy, as most hockey players wore it at that time. Behind all of them were the three other boys who lived with them Mike, Chris and David each of them glowering. Dianne and Archie's children favoured the Swarek kid's and everyone always gave them grief for it.

He remembers everything that happened that day. He was allowed to sleep in, which was a rarity in the Scarlatti household and when he woke up Dianne had his favorite breakfast ready for him. The entire day was set up with things he loved to do, ending with his favorite meal for super and a beautiful cake Dianne had spent hours making. He was completely shocked that they actually paid attention enough to know what he liked best. It was that day that he realized how much they all really cared. It was the first time he felt like he belonged to something, the first time he had seen Sarah genuinely smile since her attack. They were both just so excited to be celebrating his birthday. Sarah had been getting better since they moved in, but that day was the day he finally let himself feel hopeful that she would get back to who she was.

The buzzing of his cell phone took him from his memory once again. He cleared his throat which had now become very dry and threw the book to the ground as he got up in search of a distraction.

He looked at the screen which read Oliver Shaw, deciding to ignore it he kept on his journey to the kitchen.

Opening one of the cupboards he took out a bottle of scotch and a glass. He looked at them both and put the glass down heading back to the living room with the bottle. He had opened the flood gates to his past and now all the memories were crashing at him with fierce speed. He needed to do something to make it go away. He didn't want to remember anymore, so he took swig after swig slowly drinking him-self into unconsciousness.

* * *

Andy was completely exhausted after the emotionally draining day she had, yet she could not sleep. She was too busy thinking about Sam, wishing he would just open up so she could help him. Not two hours after she finally managed to fall asleep Andy woke up to the ringing of her cell phone, she literally plowed Luke over knocking him off the bed to get to it.

"Hello!"

"Hey McNally, It's Shaw"

"Hi Oliver" If she'd known it wasn't Sam she would have happily ignored the call.

"Don't sound so disappointed. You talked to Sam today?"

"Not since last night. Why? Is everything ok?"

"He didn't make it to hockey last night and he won't answer his phone. I went to his place but his truck wasn't there, did you bring it over after shift?"

"I did, but he told me to drive it home."

"So he must be there?"

"yeah, did you try knocking or just noticed the truck wasn't there?"

"I went to the door- both Jerry and I did."

"oh." She left Luke in her room angry and confused after his abrupt awakening and went outside for some privacy.

He cut straight to the chase, "What's going on McNally?"

"You know, it's not really my place." She said sheepishly.

"He's my best friend," Oliver pointed out.

"I know, but your just gunna have to ask him yourself."

"Oh yeah? And how exactly do you suppose I do that when he won't let me in?" He spat sarcastically. He was getting frustrated.

"Oliver I'm sorry ok. You know Sam's a private guy. I can't betray his trust. He'll tell you when he's ready."

"Sammy doesn't always know what's best for him."

She knew Oliver was just concerned and it's not like she knew much more than what he could find out from reading the reports. "Look, he wouldn't tell me everything. I could tell he's holding back."

"What **did** he tell you?"

"We got stuck in a hostage situation yesterday, Sam grew up with the kid, said he was schizophrenic, we resolved the situation peacefully and nobody got hurt. Sam called the suspects family and said where he was. But uh, on our way back to the station Sam got a call, something went wrong and the guy killed his mother, he was feeling pretty guilty about it... He stopped at a Timmy's and took his anger out on the bathroom stalls, cut up his hands pretty bad."

"that's why he was dodging the station." He said in realization.

"yep.."

"You said he thought he was holding something back?"

"yeah.. I don't know.. Just, I know he grew up with the kid, but the way he was talking about him, it didn't seem like they were friends- but the lady, he knew her. He was genuinely upset. It wasn't just because he was feeling guilty. I think he knew her... Well"

Oliver got a call and had to cut the conversation short, after hanging up she tried calling Sam. He didn't answer any of her three efforts, after the third time she sent him a text.

_Hey Sam, ur not answering ur phone so I guess ur still sleeping. Just wondering how u r & when u want ur truck back._

She continued to call Sam throughout the day whenever Luke would leave the room. She wasn't trying to be sneaky, or hiding the fact that she was calling him, she just didn't feel like arguing. She was exhausted and it really wasn't a big deal. However she did feel guilty when she found herself wishing that Luke would leave already so she could go check on Sam. She was always complaining that he never took the time to be with her, yet the last two times he made an effort she was preoccupied with her partner. Luke wasn't that bad; she should give him more credit. Maybe it was her fault things weren't working as well as they could. It seemed like he wanted to try and make things work. He appeared to get the message when she left with Sam at lunch and decided he should peel himself away from his desk for a couple hours. That meant something- at least he was trying.

* * *

Swarek ignored every one of her texts phone calls and visits to his house throughout the rest of the weekend. She was getting frustrated and in turn, so was Luke.

Andy threw her phone angrily down on the empty chair in Luke's living room. Putting the TV on mute he looked at her beside him on the couch, "Andy, who the hell do you keep calling on that phone?"

She rolled her eyes, "What do you mean, I made **two** phone calls."

"Consecutively, just now!" he spat. "You've been on that thing all weekend!"

"I think you're exaggerating just a little, wouldn't you say?" She said sarcastically.

"No. And you've been sitting around pouting cuz whoever it is hasn't been answering you."

"I don't want to talk about it." She told him hoping he'd leave it alone.

"Is it your dad?"

Sure we'll go with that, "yes." Lies.

"Is he ok?"

She used Sam's UC advice again, telling herself she was talking about Sam when Luke really asked about her dad, "I'm sure he's fine. I just get worried when I can't get a hold of him" more lies.

"Do you want to go check on him?" Yes, she thought- Sam, not her dad.

She thought about sneaking off to go see him, but she knew Luke would want to go with her so she'd actually have to go to her dads, "Let's just be here," she deflected leaning her head on his shoulder and taking the TV off of mute.

* * *

Sam spent the rest of the weekend alternating between looking at the photo album ignoring the banging on his door and ringing of his phone and getting too drunk to think. He thought about answering when Andy called a few times but in the end it was always the same. Come Monday he called frank and asked if he could take a few personal days, when frank asked him why he simply said that something came up and he had to go to Sudbury for a while.

He packed a bag and told himself he'd go see how jess and Mitch were doing then drop by and visit Archie, but then he remembered Andy still had his truck. He wasn't ready to face her- not yet. So he decided to wait. The funeral wasn't until Wednesday afternoon so he really only had to leave Wednesday morning- he could visit with them after everything.

Come Tuesday night he knew he had to call Andy, he had 90 missed calls from her, she came by his house banging on his door, threatening to break it down countless times. Oliver and Jerry had their own efforts as well. He realized then that he should have just answered and sent them away, letting it brew how he did just made the problem bigger then it was. They would undoubtedly just be even more worried and curious now. With each ignored phone call his chances of keeping it to himself went down.

He felt bad for worrying everyone to, so he picked up his phone and sent Andy a text. That's right a text, he was so cowardly that he couldn't even speak to her. After worrying her for days that's the only courtesy he offered.

_Hey, sry my phone must have been on silent, didn't mean to worry u. I'm fine & u can keep my truck until I go back to work. _

Yep. I guess he wasn't going to the funeral.

Almost immediately his phone rang. He wasn't prepared for that. He figured she'd just send him a message back. He panicked and pressed end before shutting off his phone.

* * *

He wasn't sure if he decided not to go to the funeral because he didn't want to face Andy yet or because he simply couldn't do it. Maybe it was both- mostly the latter. He felt too guilty. He couldn't go there and face everyone- Jess, Mitch and Archie, the other kids. What if they blamed him?

They showed the funeral on TV because she was such a huge part of the community. There were hundreds of people there so he deduced that if he went they probably wouldn't even notice, so they wouldn't notice if he didn't go either.

It was awful and horrible and ridiculous not to go pay his respects but he couldn't do it. He got dressed in a suit and found himself on the empty side of a bottle of scotch, surrounded by crushed beer cans watching the ceremony on TV.

Her funeral was unlike any other, hundreds of people gathered, not to morn her loss, but to celebrate her life. It was exactly what she would have wanted. It was inspirational and extravagant, yet classy and elegant, everything that Dianne had been in life and everything she deserved in death. Jessica stood up first to say her eulogy. Listening to her up there talking about the wonderful women her mother was, talking about how she shaped so many into the people they were broke off yet another piece of his already delicate heart.

* * *

That's where they found him. They finally decided enough was enough and broke down his door. They found him piss drunk, unshowerd or shaved for who knows how long, watching a funeral on television.

He told himself it would be like he was there. He got dressed up in a suit and everything; sat in front of the TV with a bottle of scotch and empty eyes.

He didn't even move at the sound of them busting in, didn't even flinch as they stood amongst him in his living room.

Thier huge horrified eyes shifted from him to the television and back again- utterly speechless.

"What is this?" Jerry finally asked him

Sam didn't flinch, just kept starring at the screen as Jess gave her brother a hug and stepped down for him to speak.

"Is this… a funeral?" Oliver wasn't referring to what was on the TV. No- he was referring to whatever was going on in Sam's living room.

* * *

**AN 2: This was incredibly difficult to write. For obvious reasons, I mean how does one describe what it's like to lose someone so important? But not only that, every time I sat down to write I would type page after page of stuff that can't happen yet. I'm not very happy with this, I re-read it and re-wrote it like a thousand times though and I can't seem to make it right, but whatever I just want to move on. So I apologize that it took so long to update, but the good news is that once we get to the interesting parts updates will be really quick since I already have a bunch done. **

**Also sorry for the lack of dialogue.**


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